The Cycles of Anxiety

Several times in my adult life I’ve recovered from anxiety and depression and gotten my life “back on track.” It can be that way for years or months. Every time, however, I’m eventually triggered back into anxiety and/or depression. And the whole cycle begins again.

So far, I’ve had a very enjoyable year. I’ve tried new things, met new people and generally moved out of my comfort zone. Consequently, I was just thinking the other day that “I’m back on track.” As soon as I had that thought, however, I was anxious that I’d “jinxed myself.” (People with chronic anxiety have very active and morbid imaginations.) I didn’t go through a couple of years of therapy for nothing, though, and, as soon as I had that thought, I metaphorically raised my eyebrows and said to myself, “That’s not a very helpful thought, is it, young lady?”  And in trying to reframe that thought process, I ended up reframing not just that thought.

A thought and phrase that helps me through hard times and that I like to share with others going through a rough patch is, “Everything is cyclic and this is a bad patch that won’t last.” I believe that but somehow I’ve had trouble extrapolating it to good periods, as well. Life is cyclic; it’s not about being “on track” when all is well and vice versa. It’s not about “jinxing myself.” It’s simply that sometimes it feels as if things are going well and sometimes it feels like everything has turned to shit. For me, the former is when I’m well and, thus, free to be able to do the things I enjoy and the latter is when things have occurred that have triggered me into an unwell period.

Without being fearful or pessimistic, it is likely that at some stage in the future I will be triggered again. It’s not set in concrete, though. At the moment I’m having fun. So, instead of fearing what may or may not come, I’m going to savour what I’m doing now while it lasts.

Through the Looking Glass

I've suffered from Panic and Anxiety Disorder for nearly thirty years. For me, it's a chronic condition. I've learnt a lot over the years in relation to how to live with it. When I first got it, in its acute state, I eagerly awaited and longed for the day when I could go out and about - or even be sitting at home - and not feel anxious and/or panicky anymore. A great number of people fully recover but I'm not one of them.

My PAD doesn't define who I am. I'm more than my disorder. It is, however, part of who I am. And that's okay. In fact, it's more than okay. I won't jump for joy that I have it but I've completely and totally come to terms with it. The feelings of anxiety come and go as they always have but I'm more apt these days to feel curious, rather than more anxious when they do. "I wonder what triggered this?" The feelings aren't pleasant but I know from experience that they'll pass so I just need to keep on keeping on. Some days I even put myself in situations that I know will trigger me because I don't want my world to become narrow by avoiding triggers.

One of my friends has developed acute PAD and depression in the wake of a debilitating physical illness, which included a bad reaction to one of the prescribed pharmaceuticals. She asked if I might be able to help her so I went and visited her last week. It was very difficult for me for two reasons. As we sat and I listened to her talk about her anxiety, depression and concerns, I knew that she was in such an acute state that there was little of a practical nature I could say to her. All I could do was be there for her. I think that was enough because I know what she's going through and that gave her some comfort. It took me nearly thirty years to be at the point I am now. Thirty years of learning and growing. How could I possibly give her all that information? And even if I did, I think she's too distressed right now to be able to absorb any of it. If someone had given me that knowledge back when it started, it wouldn't have been internalised.

And, of course, there were the inevitable feelings of sadness. When I looked at her, I saw myself as I was as a young woman when it first started. Not much was known about anxiety then and I seriously feared that I was going insane and would be institutionalised. (I'd say those dramatic thoughts are fairly indicative that I'm an anxiety sufferer!!!) It was like looking in a distorted mirror, visiting with my friend. I felt quite fragile that evening and had to be kind to myself.

My friend has a hard road ahead of her. Despite having come to terms with my PAD, it's not something that I wish on anyone and I hope she makes a full recovery. I will certainly be there for her every step of the way. I'll just need to make sure I take care of myself in the process.

"Criminally Insane"

We have a facility in the city where I live, called James Nash House. To use an outdated expression, it's a place for the "criminally insane". What I like about the expression is the fact that it uses the adjective, "criminally", thereby making a distinction between someone with mental health issues and someone with mental health issues that make them commit criminal acts. Not everyone with a mental health issue is a criminal. In fact, the number of non-criminals among the mentally ill is higher than that of criminals. Furthermore, if the only people committing criminal acts were the mentally ill, there would be no need for other prisons.

Despite that, the mentally ill can be stigmatised and misunderstood when it comes to crime - particularly homicide. Several months ago, the high profile coach of one of our local football teams was stabbed to death by his twenty-something year old son. The young man, Cy Walsh, was arrested, assessed and put into James Nash House. There were various responses on social media. They tended to fall into four main categories:

1. The poor Walsh family. What a disturbed young man Cy must be. I hope he gets the help he needs.

2. More money really must be put into mental health services.

3. People with mental illnesses are dangerous and should be institutionalised.

4. Cy Walsh is taking the soft option going into James Nash House.

Three and four were ignorant and judgemental, as well as stigmatising to anyone with mental illness. The idea that everyone with a mental illness is dangerous and should be institutionalised is ludicrous. It's not based on fact, at all. Yes, sometimes someone with a mental illness commits homicide. More often than not, however, homicides are committed by those deemed to be well. 

I've never been to James Nash House but I know that it's a prison, not a soft option. It's simply a different prison. One does not simply spend a year or so there and announce that they're better and waltz out the door. To even be put into there requires a thorough psychiatric assessment. I read a comment which said that pleading insanity was "the easy way out." I'd challenge that person to spend an extended period in James Nash House and see for himself how "easy" it is.

The controversy over the Walsh murder died down. Recently, however, there was another mass shooting in the U.S. This time, instead of using the tired slogan that guns don't kill people, people kill people, the gun lobby added mentally ill to the word, people, making their followers believe that only the mentally ill or criminals shoot people. 

To be honest, I tend to think that anyone who kills another isn't in their "right mind". That, however, is quite different to having a mental illness. With this change in slogan by the gun lobby, I'm concerned that the mentally ill, who are already marginalised and stigmatised, will find that life is even harder for them. Social media is currently rife with posts about how it's only crazy people and criminals who kill people. Define crazy. I suspect the gun lobby definition has nothing to do with the textbook definition of a mentally ill person.

I'm writing this post during Mental Health Awareness Week. It's great that so many positive posts are circulating on social media and that our national broadcaster has programmed many shows about mental illness and living with it. Given the Phil Walsh murder and the posts circulating in the wake of the Oregon college shooting, however, I think we still have some distance to go.

My form of mental illness is mild. I know others who have more severe illnesses. I can write quite categorically that the people I know with mental illnesses - myself included - are far more likely to kill ourselves than others. I suspect that the stats would probably reflect that, too.

The week is nearly over but, if you're able please watch or listen to one of the many shows on the ABC about mental health. We're really not gun and knife toting killers; we're quite nice people, actually.