I've suffered from Panic and Anxiety Disorder for nearly thirty years. For me, it's a chronic condition. I've learnt a lot over the years in relation to how to live with it. When I first got it, in its acute state, I eagerly awaited and longed for the day when I could go out and about - or even be sitting at home - and not feel anxious and/or panicky anymore. A great number of people fully recover but I'm not one of them.
My PAD doesn't define who I am. I'm more than my disorder. It is, however, part of who I am. And that's okay. In fact, it's more than okay. I won't jump for joy that I have it but I've completely and totally come to terms with it. The feelings of anxiety come and go as they always have but I'm more apt these days to feel curious, rather than more anxious when they do. "I wonder what triggered this?" The feelings aren't pleasant but I know from experience that they'll pass so I just need to keep on keeping on. Some days I even put myself in situations that I know will trigger me because I don't want my world to become narrow by avoiding triggers.
One of my friends has developed acute PAD and depression in the wake of a debilitating physical illness, which included a bad reaction to one of the prescribed pharmaceuticals. She asked if I might be able to help her so I went and visited her last week. It was very difficult for me for two reasons. As we sat and I listened to her talk about her anxiety, depression and concerns, I knew that she was in such an acute state that there was little of a practical nature I could say to her. All I could do was be there for her. I think that was enough because I know what she's going through and that gave her some comfort. It took me nearly thirty years to be at the point I am now. Thirty years of learning and growing. How could I possibly give her all that information? And even if I did, I think she's too distressed right now to be able to absorb any of it. If someone had given me that knowledge back when it started, it wouldn't have been internalised.
And, of course, there were the inevitable feelings of sadness. When I looked at her, I saw myself as I was as a young woman when it first started. Not much was known about anxiety then and I seriously feared that I was going insane and would be institutionalised. (I'd say those dramatic thoughts are fairly indicative that I'm an anxiety sufferer!!!) It was like looking in a distorted mirror, visiting with my friend. I felt quite fragile that evening and had to be kind to myself.
My friend has a hard road ahead of her. Despite having come to terms with my PAD, it's not something that I wish on anyone and I hope she makes a full recovery. I will certainly be there for her every step of the way. I'll just need to make sure I take care of myself in the process.
Showing posts with label agoraphobia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label agoraphobia. Show all posts
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Acceptance Commitment Therapy Part One
I finished reading The Happiness Trap and am glad I did so. It helped me to understand Acceptance Commitment Therapy better. I’d now like to share my interpretation, based on my readings.
Although the word, therapy, is in its name, I think it’s more of a lifestyle choice than a therapy. Therapy can imply a course of action on which one embarks to make oneself better. ACT can be incorporated into a well person’s life, as easily as an unwell one’s. I think it’s a tool for improving the quality of one’s life, regardless of one’s mental or physical state.
ACT can initially be broken down into three components: thoughts, emotions and actions.
Thoughts: thoughts can be looked at as the stories the mind creates to interpret and make sense of our lives, situations etc. They may not, in fact, be true. For example, if I pass a friend at the shopping centre and she seems to look right through me, it’s possible that she hasn’t seen me. My mind, however, may tell me the story that she doesn’t like me anymore. That’s not a fact; yet, my mind has told it to me and I’m likely to agree with it. I have “fused” with that thought and am now feeling pretty upset about the fact that my friend doesn’t like me anymore.
The first step in ACT is to “defuse” with our thoughts. There are several ways to do so but they all work on the idea that thoughts are not facts. My favourite way to defuse is to slightly distance myself from the thought by saying to myself, “I’m having the thought that Hermione hates me” instead of “Hermione hates me.” Another way to do so is to say to oneself, “Oh it’s the old Hermione hates me story.” The idea is to acknowledge the thought without fusing with it. It’s just a thought.
Emotions: Let’s say that it turns out that Hermione actually does hate me. I’m going to be very upset when I find out. This is where, in ACT, “expansion” comes in. Instead of feeling bad that I feel like bad and guilting myself for a perfectly normal emotional reaction to the situation or trying to make myself feel better with positive platitudes, I’m going to make room for the feelings. I’m going to sit quietly and, rather than thinking about Hermione or something distracting, I’m going to focus on how my emotions are manifesting themselves physically. I’m going to notice that there’s a knot in my stomach, a lump in my throat and tears just behind my eyes. The idea of expansion is to make room for the feelings and allow them to be there. Once I notice them, I address each one separately, and simply let it be there. Whilst it doesn’t make one feel better – that’s not the point of it – it can circumvent both an escalation of the feelings and the barrage of unhelpful thoughts.
As a society, we tend to think of emotions as being “good” or “bad”, and that we have a choice as to how we’re going to feel. Emotions are just the way we feel; they’re neither good nor bad. Some groups even believe that happiness is our natural state. I disagree. I believe emotions are a response to what is happening in our lives or in our heads. I wasn’t at all happy when my mum passed away; I experienced the normal reaction of grief. We expend a lot of energy trying to fight and or deny the ones which make us feel bad. In ACT, we just have to make room for them.
The other day, I felt really happy for an unknown reason. My immediate reaction was to try to work out why and then tell myself that whenever I felt happy like that, something bad would happen so it wasn’t good to feel happy. First of all, I used “defusion” to distance myself from the unhelpful thought. Then, however, I thought that, if my thoughts were true, wouldn’t the best thing to do be to enjoy the feeling while it was there, rather than make it go away with such thoughts. Consequently, I used “expansion” with a “good” feeling. I focused on the way my mouth was shaped into a smile, my stomach had delicious butterflies and a laugh was a bubble in my throat waiting to be released. Eventually, like all feelings, it passed. This time, however, I fully experienced the feeling and simply allowed it to be there. It was very enjoyable, too. Maybe something bad is going to happen. Who knows? If it does, I have a lovely feeling of happiness to remember that may just help.
Action: Another important part to ACT is living by one’s values. I’m going to deal with that in my next blog post. The idea of action is the third component to the first part of ACT. Having defused from one’s unhelpful thoughts and expanded to allow room for whatever one’s emotions are, one commits to a course of action doing something one values or working towards a goal that allows one to live by one’s values, and giving it one’s full attention.
The most frequent situation in which I use ACT is when I’m out and about and feeling nervous. I simply commit to continue what I’m doing. I value being able to get out, after having experienced agoraphobia. Even though my mind is telling me that I’m going to have a panic attack and die and my heart is trying to beat its way out of my chest, I choose to commit to being wherever it is that I am and doing whatever it is that I’m doing. Furthermore, I try to notice all that is going on in that situation. I do so by sense. I focus on what I can see, hear, smell, taste and feel, depending on what I’m doing. Of course, thoughts and emotions always come and go. I try my best to let them do so without engaging.
We can’t help what we think or feel; all we can do is defuse from our thoughts and expand for our emotions. We can, however, control what we do and how we do it. There will always be “unhelpful” thoughts and “negative” emotions, over which we have no control. To be able to walk out the front door, say no to another drink, walk away from a futile argument with a loved one, say no to that chocolate cake because your doctor has told you that you’re morbidly obese and you want to be around to see your kids reach adulthood are actions which can be chosen to live one’s values.
None of it is easy. That’s why it’s important to identify what matters to one in one’s life. That’s coming in the next post.
Although the word, therapy, is in its name, I think it’s more of a lifestyle choice than a therapy. Therapy can imply a course of action on which one embarks to make oneself better. ACT can be incorporated into a well person’s life, as easily as an unwell one’s. I think it’s a tool for improving the quality of one’s life, regardless of one’s mental or physical state.
ACT can initially be broken down into three components: thoughts, emotions and actions.
Thoughts: thoughts can be looked at as the stories the mind creates to interpret and make sense of our lives, situations etc. They may not, in fact, be true. For example, if I pass a friend at the shopping centre and she seems to look right through me, it’s possible that she hasn’t seen me. My mind, however, may tell me the story that she doesn’t like me anymore. That’s not a fact; yet, my mind has told it to me and I’m likely to agree with it. I have “fused” with that thought and am now feeling pretty upset about the fact that my friend doesn’t like me anymore.
The first step in ACT is to “defuse” with our thoughts. There are several ways to do so but they all work on the idea that thoughts are not facts. My favourite way to defuse is to slightly distance myself from the thought by saying to myself, “I’m having the thought that Hermione hates me” instead of “Hermione hates me.” Another way to do so is to say to oneself, “Oh it’s the old Hermione hates me story.” The idea is to acknowledge the thought without fusing with it. It’s just a thought.
Emotions: Let’s say that it turns out that Hermione actually does hate me. I’m going to be very upset when I find out. This is where, in ACT, “expansion” comes in. Instead of feeling bad that I feel like bad and guilting myself for a perfectly normal emotional reaction to the situation or trying to make myself feel better with positive platitudes, I’m going to make room for the feelings. I’m going to sit quietly and, rather than thinking about Hermione or something distracting, I’m going to focus on how my emotions are manifesting themselves physically. I’m going to notice that there’s a knot in my stomach, a lump in my throat and tears just behind my eyes. The idea of expansion is to make room for the feelings and allow them to be there. Once I notice them, I address each one separately, and simply let it be there. Whilst it doesn’t make one feel better – that’s not the point of it – it can circumvent both an escalation of the feelings and the barrage of unhelpful thoughts.
As a society, we tend to think of emotions as being “good” or “bad”, and that we have a choice as to how we’re going to feel. Emotions are just the way we feel; they’re neither good nor bad. Some groups even believe that happiness is our natural state. I disagree. I believe emotions are a response to what is happening in our lives or in our heads. I wasn’t at all happy when my mum passed away; I experienced the normal reaction of grief. We expend a lot of energy trying to fight and or deny the ones which make us feel bad. In ACT, we just have to make room for them.
The other day, I felt really happy for an unknown reason. My immediate reaction was to try to work out why and then tell myself that whenever I felt happy like that, something bad would happen so it wasn’t good to feel happy. First of all, I used “defusion” to distance myself from the unhelpful thought. Then, however, I thought that, if my thoughts were true, wouldn’t the best thing to do be to enjoy the feeling while it was there, rather than make it go away with such thoughts. Consequently, I used “expansion” with a “good” feeling. I focused on the way my mouth was shaped into a smile, my stomach had delicious butterflies and a laugh was a bubble in my throat waiting to be released. Eventually, like all feelings, it passed. This time, however, I fully experienced the feeling and simply allowed it to be there. It was very enjoyable, too. Maybe something bad is going to happen. Who knows? If it does, I have a lovely feeling of happiness to remember that may just help.
Action: Another important part to ACT is living by one’s values. I’m going to deal with that in my next blog post. The idea of action is the third component to the first part of ACT. Having defused from one’s unhelpful thoughts and expanded to allow room for whatever one’s emotions are, one commits to a course of action doing something one values or working towards a goal that allows one to live by one’s values, and giving it one’s full attention.
The most frequent situation in which I use ACT is when I’m out and about and feeling nervous. I simply commit to continue what I’m doing. I value being able to get out, after having experienced agoraphobia. Even though my mind is telling me that I’m going to have a panic attack and die and my heart is trying to beat its way out of my chest, I choose to commit to being wherever it is that I am and doing whatever it is that I’m doing. Furthermore, I try to notice all that is going on in that situation. I do so by sense. I focus on what I can see, hear, smell, taste and feel, depending on what I’m doing. Of course, thoughts and emotions always come and go. I try my best to let them do so without engaging.
We can’t help what we think or feel; all we can do is defuse from our thoughts and expand for our emotions. We can, however, control what we do and how we do it. There will always be “unhelpful” thoughts and “negative” emotions, over which we have no control. To be able to walk out the front door, say no to another drink, walk away from a futile argument with a loved one, say no to that chocolate cake because your doctor has told you that you’re morbidly obese and you want to be around to see your kids reach adulthood are actions which can be chosen to live one’s values.
None of it is easy. That’s why it’s important to identify what matters to one in one’s life. That’s coming in the next post.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Victories
I have a friend, S, who also suffers from Panic and Anxiety Disorder. In fact, I met her in a PAD support group over ten years ago. It turned out our children went to the same school at the time. Hers were in upper primary school and my elder child was in Year 3.
About eighteen months ago I had a long visit with S at her house and it was then that the idea for this blog was born. We had so much fun comparing notes and laughing at ourselves and our rituals that I was sure other people with the same condition might benefit from an on-line discussion of what it's like to have PAD.
PAD has manifested itself differently in the two of us. Mine tends to be cyclic. I go through periods where I'm as "normal" as I'm ever going to be; I go out and about with ease. Then something triggers a setback and I can barely walk out my front door without intense anxiety. I then spend months to years clawing my way back to my "normal". S has rarely had gaps in her PAD. It's something she's had to deal with on a daily basis for quite a number of years with no break, despite treatment. Furthermore, I like to be out and about either alone or with close family. That way, if I have a panic attack I can hit the ground running and get out of wherever I am without having to give an explanation or excuse. S, on the other hand, feels safer being with other people - ones she's close to who know about her issues. Up until recently that did not include her daughters; she didn't want to saddle them with mum having a panic attack.
The other day, I ran into S at the local shops. She was there with her daughter and new grandson. S told me that, when her daughter was pregnant, she decided that she needed to be able to go out with her daughter so she could better enjoy the whole grandmother experience. Once she felt safe with that daughter, however, it extended to her younger daughter, as well. S was really proud of herself as she told me this; it was obvious how much it had enhanced her life. Going shopping and having a coffee with either of my children is something I thoroughly enjoy. Now S can relish the experience, as well. It's also really helpful for her daughter to have S there when she takes the baby shopping. I shared S's joy and was very proud of her, too.
With PAD small victories can lead to other small victories. S also told me that she wants to reduce and eventually stop anti-anxiety medication. The victory of going out with her daughters has given her the confidence to take the medication step. I haven't taken anti-anxiety meds (yet) but I understand they are difficult to come off of so I applaud her decision and am proud of her for that, as well. The issue isn't whether or not she goes off her meds, it's that she's currently got the confidence to try. Confidence is in short supply in the personality of a PAD sufferer.
I wish her all the best and look forward to catching up again, preferably one day when she's looking after her charming grandbaby!
About eighteen months ago I had a long visit with S at her house and it was then that the idea for this blog was born. We had so much fun comparing notes and laughing at ourselves and our rituals that I was sure other people with the same condition might benefit from an on-line discussion of what it's like to have PAD.
PAD has manifested itself differently in the two of us. Mine tends to be cyclic. I go through periods where I'm as "normal" as I'm ever going to be; I go out and about with ease. Then something triggers a setback and I can barely walk out my front door without intense anxiety. I then spend months to years clawing my way back to my "normal". S has rarely had gaps in her PAD. It's something she's had to deal with on a daily basis for quite a number of years with no break, despite treatment. Furthermore, I like to be out and about either alone or with close family. That way, if I have a panic attack I can hit the ground running and get out of wherever I am without having to give an explanation or excuse. S, on the other hand, feels safer being with other people - ones she's close to who know about her issues. Up until recently that did not include her daughters; she didn't want to saddle them with mum having a panic attack.
The other day, I ran into S at the local shops. She was there with her daughter and new grandson. S told me that, when her daughter was pregnant, she decided that she needed to be able to go out with her daughter so she could better enjoy the whole grandmother experience. Once she felt safe with that daughter, however, it extended to her younger daughter, as well. S was really proud of herself as she told me this; it was obvious how much it had enhanced her life. Going shopping and having a coffee with either of my children is something I thoroughly enjoy. Now S can relish the experience, as well. It's also really helpful for her daughter to have S there when she takes the baby shopping. I shared S's joy and was very proud of her, too.
With PAD small victories can lead to other small victories. S also told me that she wants to reduce and eventually stop anti-anxiety medication. The victory of going out with her daughters has given her the confidence to take the medication step. I haven't taken anti-anxiety meds (yet) but I understand they are difficult to come off of so I applaud her decision and am proud of her for that, as well. The issue isn't whether or not she goes off her meds, it's that she's currently got the confidence to try. Confidence is in short supply in the personality of a PAD sufferer.
I wish her all the best and look forward to catching up again, preferably one day when she's looking after her charming grandbaby!
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