From "Helicopter Parent" to "Free Range Kids"

Two of my children were discussing depression in the car the other day. One of them asked me if young people were as depressed when I was young as they are now. I said I didn't know because when I was young it was a stigma to have any kind of mental disorder so, if as many people were depressed, they did a great job at hiding it.

The other day I read somewhere on-line that more young people do suffer from anxiety and depression, and perform acts of self-harm now than they did thirty five years ago. Again, I don't know if there is a real increase or a seeming increase due to the fact that more people are seeking help. One of the reasons suggested for the increase is the fact that modern parents over-protect their children.

I can't speak for all parents; only for myself. Yes, I was an over-protective "helicopter parent". I wrapped my "babies" up in cotton wool in order to protect them from all the evils of the world, from predators to accidents. This style of parenting came crashing down around me, however, when it became obvious that it felt like a noose to one of my children and wasn't helping that child to develop independence. That was when I reluctantly let my child become a "free range kid."

For years, I tried to be the perfect mum. I worked hard on helping my children to develop resilience. At least I thought I was. I was paying lip service to it and telling my children what great problem solvers they were, all the while trying to solve all their problems for them. Of course, because I was doing so, they weren't becoming resilient. Every time there was a slight issue, Mum stepped it to try to fix things. Actions speak louder than words and the message my "hovering" was sending them was that they were incapable of solving their own problems or dealing with the world effectively.

These days, as hard as it is, I try to sit back and observe. When there is a problem, I ask, "What are you going to do?" I'm happy to offer advice and suggestions but I try to wait until I'm asked. It's really hard; my first instinct is to fix it. I'm learning to trust that my kids will make good choices and, if they don't, that they'll learn from their mistakes. I'm learning to bite my tongue and sit on my hands because part of growing up is learning the hard way and we can't protect them from that. And, if we do, how will they learn and thus become resilient adults? It is the idea that, by protecting them so much, they can't cope with things and, thus become depressed and anxious. I don't know if that's true but I do know that I was sending my kids a clear message without realising it.

I'm not advocating letting go of parental responsibility by any means. I'm just in the process of learning for myself and my kids what to let them learn for themselves and when to step in. It's the same for my husband, the archetypal "rescuer". One of the kids even told him the other day that by rescuing he made that child feel incompetent. "No good deed goes unpunished!"