Apparently I'm Moderately Depressive

At my last scheduled appointment with the psychologist a couple of weeks ago, she got me to take a DASS survey. I did it and, after collating my scores, she said, "That's funny. Your anxiety levels are much lower than when you were first assessed in February but you're moderately depressive now. Get another referral from your GP so we can keep working."

I went to my GP and told her what my psychologist had said so she got me to take a K10 test. I did it and, after collating my scores, she said, "That's funny. Your anxiety levels are much lower than when you were first assessed in February but you're moderately depressive now. I'll write that referral and I want to increase your dose of Lexapro. It may make you feel emotionally numb; if so, decrease the dose again."

"That's funny," I thought to myself, "I'm already emotionally numb and it has nothing to do with the Lexapro."

Right now I feel like I'm marking time as I make the long slow walk to the grave. I look forward to nothing. It's not so dire that nothing gives me pleasure. Once I begin doing something I'm fine; I simply lack all interest and/or enthusiasm for anything. I simply can't be bothered. My care factor is zero. I pay lip service to everything at the moment and go through the motions.

I'm well aware that these are classic signs of depression. I have no desire to hurt or kill myself or die; I have no desire for anything really. I know people who struggle greatly with depression and I feel like it would be an insult to them to label myself as depressed. I'm not depressed and I'm not in denial about it.

The last year has been very hard emotionally. When I really think about it, however, the last ten years have been an emotional roller-coaster. High highs and low lows and not much in-between. Each time it looked as if there might be a period of respite, it didn't come or was short-lived. It feels as if it's been one thing after another after another, and that it's not over and maybe never will be.

Sometimes, if you're running too many things at the same time on the electricity grid, it burns out or shuts down. I believe that is what I'm experiencing. My metaphoric circuits have been overloaded for so long that they've burnt out. I'm having what I'd call "Emotional Burnout". I'm not doing it purposely but I've simply shut down, gone numb.

According to the Book of Ecclesiastes, there is a time for all things, a season for everything. I wonder if it's an accident that, while my world is buried in the cold of winter, I've gone fallow for awhile. I can live with this. I use Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for my anxiety but the "acceptance" part is helpful with the way I feel now. I accept that I'm numb. I accept that I need to be numb for awhile to heal from all that's happened over the past ten years.

In the meantime, however, I'll take my meds and see my psychologist, just in case.

Here is the late, great Pete Seeger singing about a time for everything.