Cancer Platitudes

A friend of mine is going through cancer diagnosis at the moment. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to utter those three awful words to all your friends. She told very close friends and family, and then told the rest of us via social media. She didn't have to say them aloud or repeatedly more than necessary.

When you put something like that on social media, you're bombarded with responses. The ones she received were shocked, surprised, supportive and full of both love and offers of help. There were also numerous cancer platitudes.

Cancer platitudes all basically say, "You're strong so you've already got this thing beat" or "Stay positive and you'll get better." People say them to make themselves and the cancer sufferer feel better. They're myths we create to give ourselves a false sense of control over the uncontrollable. Being faced with one's own mortality or that of a loved one or dear friend is one of the ultimate forms of helplessness so we utter platitudes in the hope that uttered aloud, they'll act as a talisman against the unthinkable. At best, they offer comfort. At worst, however, they create guilt and more stress. Imagine on a bad day, feeling totally despondent and thinking to oneself, "Oh no, I'm not being positive. That means I won't survive." The nature of cancer treatment is such that people have some very shit days. They don't need guilt for not being strong or positive on top of that.

There are six factors that determine how likely one is to survive cancer:

1. The type of cancer
2. The stage at which the cancer is
3. The skill of the surgeon
4. The treatment plan
5. How well one's body responds to the treatment.
6. Your pre-cancer age, health and fitness.

My friend has had a lot of bad things happen in her life and is an emotional survivor. Her friends are right; she's strong emotionally and determined. I have no doubt that her strength will be an advantage to her as she goes through her treatment. There will be days when she feels absolutely terrible. Her strength will be what gets her up in the morning on those days and ensures she shows up for further treatment. And her strength will be what keeps life as normal as possible for her children.

In addition to that, her friends are also right that she's positive. Her positivity will be what helps her to find special moments in the ordinary on the days she feels less than ordinary. And her positivity will also ensure she gets up everyday and gets to her treatment.

A different friend spent most of last year going through treatment for breast cancer. The day after her diagnosis she got up an hour earlier and meditated, practised Tai Chi and went for a walk. She hasn't stopped that morning routine. She says that it was an important part of her treatment because it helped her to cope and "kept her sane." She in no way suggests it made her better; rather she knows that it helped her to get through. (She is currently being monitored and is cancer free.) Being strong and positive is like that. They're great additions to treatment to keep one sane and help get through. They won't, however, determine the outcome. To suggest that, also insults the memory of those who haven't survived.

I hope and pray that my friend survives cancer. I just don't hold much faith in platitudes.