I've suffered from Panic and Anxiety Disorder for nearly thirty years. For me, it's a chronic condition. I've learnt a lot over the years in relation to how to live with it. When I first got it, in its acute state, I eagerly awaited and longed for the day when I could go out and about - or even be sitting at home - and not feel anxious and/or panicky anymore. A great number of people fully recover but I'm not one of them.
My PAD doesn't define who I am. I'm more than my disorder. It is, however, part of who I am. And that's okay. In fact, it's more than okay. I won't jump for joy that I have it but I've completely and totally come to terms with it. The feelings of anxiety come and go as they always have but I'm more apt these days to feel curious, rather than more anxious when they do. "I wonder what triggered this?" The feelings aren't pleasant but I know from experience that they'll pass so I just need to keep on keeping on. Some days I even put myself in situations that I know will trigger me because I don't want my world to become narrow by avoiding triggers.
One of my friends has developed acute PAD and depression in the wake of a debilitating physical illness, which included a bad reaction to one of the prescribed pharmaceuticals. She asked if I might be able to help her so I went and visited her last week. It was very difficult for me for two reasons. As we sat and I listened to her talk about her anxiety, depression and concerns, I knew that she was in such an acute state that there was little of a practical nature I could say to her. All I could do was be there for her. I think that was enough because I know what she's going through and that gave her some comfort. It took me nearly thirty years to be at the point I am now. Thirty years of learning and growing. How could I possibly give her all that information? And even if I did, I think she's too distressed right now to be able to absorb any of it. If someone had given me that knowledge back when it started, it wouldn't have been internalised.
And, of course, there were the inevitable feelings of sadness. When I looked at her, I saw myself as I was as a young woman when it first started. Not much was known about anxiety then and I seriously feared that I was going insane and would be institutionalised. (I'd say those dramatic thoughts are fairly indicative that I'm an anxiety sufferer!!!) It was like looking in a distorted mirror, visiting with my friend. I felt quite fragile that evening and had to be kind to myself.
My friend has a hard road ahead of her. Despite having come to terms with my PAD, it's not something that I wish on anyone and I hope she makes a full recovery. I will certainly be there for her every step of the way. I'll just need to make sure I take care of myself in the process.
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Friday, November 6, 2015
Cancer Platitudes
A friend of mine is going through cancer diagnosis at the moment. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to utter those three awful words to all your friends. She told very close friends and family, and then told the rest of us via social media. She didn't have to say them aloud or repeatedly more than necessary.
When you put something like that on social media, you're bombarded with responses. The ones she received were shocked, surprised, supportive and full of both love and offers of help. There were also numerous cancer platitudes.
Cancer platitudes all basically say, "You're strong so you've already got this thing beat" or "Stay positive and you'll get better." People say them to make themselves and the cancer sufferer feel better. They're myths we create to give ourselves a false sense of control over the uncontrollable. Being faced with one's own mortality or that of a loved one or dear friend is one of the ultimate forms of helplessness so we utter platitudes in the hope that uttered aloud, they'll act as a talisman against the unthinkable. At best, they offer comfort. At worst, however, they create guilt and more stress. Imagine on a bad day, feeling totally despondent and thinking to oneself, "Oh no, I'm not being positive. That means I won't survive." The nature of cancer treatment is such that people have some very shit days. They don't need guilt for not being strong or positive on top of that.
There are six factors that determine how likely one is to survive cancer:
1. The type of cancer
2. The stage at which the cancer is
3. The skill of the surgeon
4. The treatment plan
5. How well one's body responds to the treatment.
6. Your pre-cancer age, health and fitness.
My friend has had a lot of bad things happen in her life and is an emotional survivor. Her friends are right; she's strong emotionally and determined. I have no doubt that her strength will be an advantage to her as she goes through her treatment. There will be days when she feels absolutely terrible. Her strength will be what gets her up in the morning on those days and ensures she shows up for further treatment. And her strength will be what keeps life as normal as possible for her children.
In addition to that, her friends are also right that she's positive. Her positivity will be what helps her to find special moments in the ordinary on the days she feels less than ordinary. And her positivity will also ensure she gets up everyday and gets to her treatment.
A different friend spent most of last year going through treatment for breast cancer. The day after her diagnosis she got up an hour earlier and meditated, practised Tai Chi and went for a walk. She hasn't stopped that morning routine. She says that it was an important part of her treatment because it helped her to cope and "kept her sane." She in no way suggests it made her better; rather she knows that it helped her to get through. (She is currently being monitored and is cancer free.) Being strong and positive is like that. They're great additions to treatment to keep one sane and help get through. They won't, however, determine the outcome. To suggest that, also insults the memory of those who haven't survived.
I hope and pray that my friend survives cancer. I just don't hold much faith in platitudes.
When you put something like that on social media, you're bombarded with responses. The ones she received were shocked, surprised, supportive and full of both love and offers of help. There were also numerous cancer platitudes.
Cancer platitudes all basically say, "You're strong so you've already got this thing beat" or "Stay positive and you'll get better." People say them to make themselves and the cancer sufferer feel better. They're myths we create to give ourselves a false sense of control over the uncontrollable. Being faced with one's own mortality or that of a loved one or dear friend is one of the ultimate forms of helplessness so we utter platitudes in the hope that uttered aloud, they'll act as a talisman against the unthinkable. At best, they offer comfort. At worst, however, they create guilt and more stress. Imagine on a bad day, feeling totally despondent and thinking to oneself, "Oh no, I'm not being positive. That means I won't survive." The nature of cancer treatment is such that people have some very shit days. They don't need guilt for not being strong or positive on top of that.
There are six factors that determine how likely one is to survive cancer:
1. The type of cancer
2. The stage at which the cancer is
3. The skill of the surgeon
4. The treatment plan
5. How well one's body responds to the treatment.
6. Your pre-cancer age, health and fitness.
My friend has had a lot of bad things happen in her life and is an emotional survivor. Her friends are right; she's strong emotionally and determined. I have no doubt that her strength will be an advantage to her as she goes through her treatment. There will be days when she feels absolutely terrible. Her strength will be what gets her up in the morning on those days and ensures she shows up for further treatment. And her strength will be what keeps life as normal as possible for her children.
In addition to that, her friends are also right that she's positive. Her positivity will be what helps her to find special moments in the ordinary on the days she feels less than ordinary. And her positivity will also ensure she gets up everyday and gets to her treatment.
A different friend spent most of last year going through treatment for breast cancer. The day after her diagnosis she got up an hour earlier and meditated, practised Tai Chi and went for a walk. She hasn't stopped that morning routine. She says that it was an important part of her treatment because it helped her to cope and "kept her sane." She in no way suggests it made her better; rather she knows that it helped her to get through. (She is currently being monitored and is cancer free.) Being strong and positive is like that. They're great additions to treatment to keep one sane and help get through. They won't, however, determine the outcome. To suggest that, also insults the memory of those who haven't survived.
I hope and pray that my friend survives cancer. I just don't hold much faith in platitudes.
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