To Medicate or Meditate

I’m not a big fan of pharmaceuticals. I feel more comfortable using alternative and complementary medical products. I have this idea that because it’s a natural product, it’s better for the body, supporting its own defences. I know that’s not necessarily the case. In fact, my husband worked in pharmaceuticals for ten years and tells me – repeatedly – that the criteria to be met are far higher with many more checks and balances.

So it was that I was dutifully downing St John’s Wort and Nervatona a couple of months ago in the midst of the hard time I was going through. I’d been through hard times before in my adult life and had gotten through with herbals. There was one glaring difference, however. On the face of it, this time may have seemed less stressful than some of the others. It’s true that there was something affecting every family member but I’ve had more to carry in the past. The difference was that I had my own health issue. I was so worried about what was wrong with me that I couldn’t cope with everyone else’s problems. That was why I was melting down on a daily basis.

It all came to a head one day. My symptoms were so severe in the morning I nearly drove myself to the hospital. Instead, I called my husband to come home and, by the time he arrived, things had settled enough to go to the GP instead. I couldn’t get in to see my usual doctor but the one I saw instead was even better. In no time, I had a prescription, a referral for an ultrasound and a referral to a specialist in hand. I started to stand to leave but sat back down again, began to cry and simply said, “I think I may need anti-depressants, as well.”

I began the anti-depressants that evening. I didn’t read the product information because I knew if I did I’d scare myself into not taking them. I noticed a small difference within two days. I had a fight with a family member during which I began to cry. (Surprise, surprise.) Instead of stewing for hours, however, I was fine five minutes later. I also knew that they would make my anxiety worse at first so I wasn’t concerned when I spent the first week waking up at 6am in a cold sweat, heart pounding and stomach filled with butterflies. The only lasting side effect has been nausea a few hours after my tablet. That’s around bedtime, however, and it doesn’t keep me awake at all. When I wake in the morning or even later in the night, it’s passed.

Apart from the nausea I’ve had no side effects. It hasn’t slowed my thought processes or changed who I am in any way. What the medication has done is turn the volume down considerably on the depressive and anxious feelings I’ve experienced most of my adult life. I guess, in that sense, they’ve changed me. The thoughts that trigger depression and anxiety still come. Thoughts create feelings but the feelings are so dampened down to be almost non-existent. Without the meds, more dark or anxious thoughts follow the feelings. The cycle goes on seemingly endlessly. By reducing the feelings, the second round of thoughts don’t come. I imagine it’s different for each person using them but that has been my experience so far.

I’m on the lowest dose available and I like how I feel. It’s going to read like a cliché but I wish I’d done it years ago.