Word Vomit

As you may have guessed from previous posts I spend a lot of time trying to control my thoughts. I’ve written about making up stories and about trying to change unrealistic thoughts into realistic ones. In actuality, I think it’s my thoughts that control me for the most part and not the reverse.

I can’t really call it an internal monologue because it’s more of a dialogue or conversation. If I’m not directing and controlling my thoughts, I’m internally reacting to the ones that come up. I’ve already given examples of that.

So, what happens when I just simply let go?

About a year ago there was something in life that was causing me stress and anxiety. It wasn’t the kind of agoraphobic anxiety of leaving the house or having a panic attack; it was the common anxiety of being unsure how to proceed in a certain situation.

I was really at a loss as to what to do to help myself. One day, almost in desperation, I grabbed an A5 notebook and pen and began to write. It was an unplanned, uncontrolled stream of consciousness pile of word vomit. I have a very colourful vocabulary at the best of times but I swear I was using words even I refuse to use. When I’d finished I felt purged and clean. After a couple more stream of consciousness writing sessions I began to learn and see things that I had obviously only been aware of at a subconscious level. It created a major turning point for me.

The other night I couldn’t sleep. Something was weighing on my mind. After 90 minutes of trying to sleep I decided to give up and do a stream of consciousness writing session. The problem was, even though I wasn’t sleepy, it was warm and cosy in bed and I couldn’t be bothered sitting up and grabbing pen and paper. I chose, instead, to try to have a stream of consciousness thought session. I’d never done it before and didn’t really know what to do. But I didn’t know what to do when I was writing either.  I simply let whatever thoughts came up do so without trying to harness, control, manage or plan. Interestingly, I fell asleep while I was doing it.

My mind – maybe most minds – seems to want to constantly engage with itself. Stream of consciousness takes away the dialogue. When I was writing I was simply the scribe. In fact, my hand was racing so quickly across the page trying to keep up, there was no time to think, judge or interact. It’s harder to do it without writing. Instead of scribing it’s like trying to just neutrally observe the disjointed thoughts that flash across the mind. Doing it the latter way is actually quite relaxing. Some really hateful thoughts came up and I didn’t have to censor or judge myself because they came and went. Sometimes I raised my eyebrows and thought, “Oh, I didn’t know that.” One very old hurt that I hadn’t consciously thought about for years cropped up and I found myself thinking that I hated someone. The thoughts just kept meandering and I ended up, through no conscious effort, understanding that my life had turned out much much better than the person who’d hurt me. That wasn’t an attempt to make myself feel better; it was a disjointed thought. It was also a very powerful one.

I think it’s unlikely that stream of consciousness would be beneficial in a panic attack situation. Sometimes, though, when I’m feeling too overwhelmed to try to change my thoughts I use mindfulness. I’ve written about that before, too. I suppose that sitting on the sidelines and observing thoughts without interacting with them is a form of mindfulness. It’s just more of an internal than external focus and the whole point of the external focus is distraction.

One thing is for sure. It’s never boring inside my head!