My Panic and Anxiety (PAD) has been off and on through my adult life. Just over four years ago, my anxiety levels shot up and remained so for over two years. In the past I'd always dealt with it on my own; I knew what to do. This time, however, I couldn't shake it so I decided it was time to get help. The first time I sought help it was for depression, rather than anxiety, and was twenty nine years ago; my GP helpfully told me to snap out of it. Many years later I went to a PAD workshop which was great and very helpful and I decided to follow it up with private help. That didn't go too well either, with the psychologist giving me the distinct impression he really didn't like me. What's not to like??? Needless to say, I preferred to fly solo when it came to dealing with anxiety (or depression for that matter).
The lovely GP I now see is wonderful and took my concerns seriously. She referred me to an equally wonderful psychologist who I credit for getting me back out and about. One time, when I went to see her I told her at the end of the session that I was anxious because I was attending a play later that week. In the brief time remaining she told me about mindfulness. I used it when I was standing in the long line for the toilet at interval and have been using it ever since.
I use mindfulness in the following way. I pick a sense, depending on the situation. On that day, I chose sight and began with the ceiling. I studied everything in that bathroom on that day until it was my turn to use the loo. I can still tell you that the sinks are pink and the mirrors above them have lights around them. My mind was actively engaged in what I was looking at and, therefore, wasn't telling me that I was going to faint, vomit or not get to the toilet in time.
Fast forward to yesterday. It was a hot and humid day, the kind of weather which can set me off to faint. I was going to attend a writing workshop in the city. As soon as I was getting ready to leave, the anxiety girl and the clever, mature woman that reside in my head got into a fight. Anxiety Girl told me I would faint and that it was best not to go. Clever, Mature Woman won that round because I spoke out loud and announced to thin air, "Stop being so silly. You're going and that's that. So what if you faint; at least you're going." That didn't stop the whoosh of anxiety that went through me as I got in the car.
Why? I've sat through countless workshops in my life. I've taught countless workshops in my life. The two that stand out in my mind, the two that my PAD-riddled brain has latched onto, however, are the one where I had to dramatically run out of the room to vomit over twenty five years ago and the one where I ended up on the floor in a dead faint because it was a First Aid course and we were discussing how to stem the flow of blood. (Blood also makes me faint. I'm so Victorian - just tighten my corset now!)
As I drove in to the city I heard an entertainer visiting Adelaide for the Fringe Festival say that he would rather look back on his life and be glad that he'd tried something and failed than not have tried at all. That made me smile, considering what I was doing. By the time I arrived at the workshop venue the smile had been removed from my face and my anxiety was heading towards panic.
Fortunately the workshop began and because it was a full day workshop condensed into three hours if you lost concentration for a nano-second you were going to miss valuable information. Needless to say, the presenter had my full attention.
One of the first exercises we did was using our senses to describe the room we were in. I was given sight and taste. I was on home turf with that exercise. I use mindfulness these days, not just when I feel anxious but in my writing and randomly just for practise. For example, just the other day I used it when I was scooping dog shit in the back yard. Believe me when I tell you that I now know that dog shit comes in a variety of shades, shapes and sizes! I do things like that because it helps me as a writer and as an anxiety sufferer.
I got through yesterday and benefitted greatly as a writer. I also benefitted as a person; each time I push myself and "prove" to Anxiety Girl that her fears are groundless, her hold on me loosens.
Cheers.
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