Late 2008 I subscribed to a few Adelaide Symphony Orchestra (ASO) concerts. I was fine then. Fast forward a few months to early 2009 and I was not doing well. I had to attend one of the concerts. Worse still, my seat was in the middle of a row. I couldn't do it. I froze. Everyone else walked in and I just couldn't. The worst thing I could have done was to not go in. The second worst thing I could do was to rush home. I did the worst but decided to see if I could calm down enough to maybe go in after the interval.
As I sat alone in the foyer of the Festival Theatre one of the ushers approached me to see what was going on. By that time I knew that PAD was like any other chronic condition; it wasn't something to be embarrassed about, it's just the way my brain is wired. So, I explained. He was brilliant. If you live in Adelaide, did you know that the Festival Theatre has a 'crying room'? I didn't but it does and the usher brought me up there. I was able to watch Ben Lee perform with the ASO! It was the best compromise for that situation and I walked away from the evening feeling triumphant.
Fast forward again this time to early 2013. We had tickets to see Tom Gleeson at the Adelaide Fringe. Our plan was to eat dinner in The Garden of Unearthly Delights and then see the show. The day was hot and humid and I had a small health issue bothering me. Nevertheless, we proceeded. We had to park a reasonable distance and, by the time we arrived in the Garden, I was hot and bothered. That was all, though. Health was fine, anxiety levels low.
After eating we lined up for the show. It was general admission so we had to sit where they told us. I could have explained that I needed an aisle seat but was confidant I could get through the one hour. We were seated in the middle of a row and the first thing I did was scan to make sure I could get out if I needed to. Part of my condition is to need to be able to get out of a situation quickly if need be. About fifteen minutes into the show a large wave of anxiety washed over me. I grabbed a hair tie and piece of paper from my bag and tied back my hair and gently fanned myself, thinking the heat may have brought on the anxiety. It made me feel nauseas and weak. I tried really hard to concentrate on the on-stage activity. I probably lost concentration for less than five minutes and then the wave passed. I don't really know because I was caught up in the show.
Cheers.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
What Do Anxiety Therapy and Writing Have in Common?
My Panic and Anxiety (PAD) has been off and on through my adult life. Just over four years ago, my anxiety levels shot up and remained so for over two years. In the past I'd always dealt with it on my own; I knew what to do. This time, however, I couldn't shake it so I decided it was time to get help. The first time I sought help it was for depression, rather than anxiety, and was twenty nine years ago; my GP helpfully told me to snap out of it. Many years later I went to a PAD workshop which was great and very helpful and I decided to follow it up with private help. That didn't go too well either, with the psychologist giving me the distinct impression he really didn't like me. What's not to like??? Needless to say, I preferred to fly solo when it came to dealing with anxiety (or depression for that matter).
The lovely GP I now see is wonderful and took my concerns seriously. She referred me to an equally wonderful psychologist who I credit for getting me back out and about. One time, when I went to see her I told her at the end of the session that I was anxious because I was attending a play later that week. In the brief time remaining she told me about mindfulness. I used it when I was standing in the long line for the toilet at interval and have been using it ever since.
I use mindfulness in the following way. I pick a sense, depending on the situation. On that day, I chose sight and began with the ceiling. I studied everything in that bathroom on that day until it was my turn to use the loo. I can still tell you that the sinks are pink and the mirrors above them have lights around them. My mind was actively engaged in what I was looking at and, therefore, wasn't telling me that I was going to faint, vomit or not get to the toilet in time.
Fast forward to yesterday. It was a hot and humid day, the kind of weather which can set me off to faint. I was going to attend a writing workshop in the city. As soon as I was getting ready to leave, the anxiety girl and the clever, mature woman that reside in my head got into a fight. Anxiety Girl told me I would faint and that it was best not to go. Clever, Mature Woman won that round because I spoke out loud and announced to thin air, "Stop being so silly. You're going and that's that. So what if you faint; at least you're going." That didn't stop the whoosh of anxiety that went through me as I got in the car.
Why? I've sat through countless workshops in my life. I've taught countless workshops in my life. The two that stand out in my mind, the two that my PAD-riddled brain has latched onto, however, are the one where I had to dramatically run out of the room to vomit over twenty five years ago and the one where I ended up on the floor in a dead faint because it was a First Aid course and we were discussing how to stem the flow of blood. (Blood also makes me faint. I'm so Victorian - just tighten my corset now!)
As I drove in to the city I heard an entertainer visiting Adelaide for the Fringe Festival say that he would rather look back on his life and be glad that he'd tried something and failed than not have tried at all. That made me smile, considering what I was doing. By the time I arrived at the workshop venue the smile had been removed from my face and my anxiety was heading towards panic.
Fortunately the workshop began and because it was a full day workshop condensed into three hours if you lost concentration for a nano-second you were going to miss valuable information. Needless to say, the presenter had my full attention.
One of the first exercises we did was using our senses to describe the room we were in. I was given sight and taste. I was on home turf with that exercise. I use mindfulness these days, not just when I feel anxious but in my writing and randomly just for practise. For example, just the other day I used it when I was scooping dog shit in the back yard. Believe me when I tell you that I now know that dog shit comes in a variety of shades, shapes and sizes! I do things like that because it helps me as a writer and as an anxiety sufferer.
I got through yesterday and benefitted greatly as a writer. I also benefitted as a person; each time I push myself and "prove" to Anxiety Girl that her fears are groundless, her hold on me loosens.
Cheers.
The lovely GP I now see is wonderful and took my concerns seriously. She referred me to an equally wonderful psychologist who I credit for getting me back out and about. One time, when I went to see her I told her at the end of the session that I was anxious because I was attending a play later that week. In the brief time remaining she told me about mindfulness. I used it when I was standing in the long line for the toilet at interval and have been using it ever since.
I use mindfulness in the following way. I pick a sense, depending on the situation. On that day, I chose sight and began with the ceiling. I studied everything in that bathroom on that day until it was my turn to use the loo. I can still tell you that the sinks are pink and the mirrors above them have lights around them. My mind was actively engaged in what I was looking at and, therefore, wasn't telling me that I was going to faint, vomit or not get to the toilet in time.
Fast forward to yesterday. It was a hot and humid day, the kind of weather which can set me off to faint. I was going to attend a writing workshop in the city. As soon as I was getting ready to leave, the anxiety girl and the clever, mature woman that reside in my head got into a fight. Anxiety Girl told me I would faint and that it was best not to go. Clever, Mature Woman won that round because I spoke out loud and announced to thin air, "Stop being so silly. You're going and that's that. So what if you faint; at least you're going." That didn't stop the whoosh of anxiety that went through me as I got in the car.
Why? I've sat through countless workshops in my life. I've taught countless workshops in my life. The two that stand out in my mind, the two that my PAD-riddled brain has latched onto, however, are the one where I had to dramatically run out of the room to vomit over twenty five years ago and the one where I ended up on the floor in a dead faint because it was a First Aid course and we were discussing how to stem the flow of blood. (Blood also makes me faint. I'm so Victorian - just tighten my corset now!)
As I drove in to the city I heard an entertainer visiting Adelaide for the Fringe Festival say that he would rather look back on his life and be glad that he'd tried something and failed than not have tried at all. That made me smile, considering what I was doing. By the time I arrived at the workshop venue the smile had been removed from my face and my anxiety was heading towards panic.
Fortunately the workshop began and because it was a full day workshop condensed into three hours if you lost concentration for a nano-second you were going to miss valuable information. Needless to say, the presenter had my full attention.
One of the first exercises we did was using our senses to describe the room we were in. I was given sight and taste. I was on home turf with that exercise. I use mindfulness these days, not just when I feel anxious but in my writing and randomly just for practise. For example, just the other day I used it when I was scooping dog shit in the back yard. Believe me when I tell you that I now know that dog shit comes in a variety of shades, shapes and sizes! I do things like that because it helps me as a writer and as an anxiety sufferer.
I got through yesterday and benefitted greatly as a writer. I also benefitted as a person; each time I push myself and "prove" to Anxiety Girl that her fears are groundless, her hold on me loosens.
Cheers.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
The Holy Trinity of Health Care
It's really important for everyone to take care of themselves. It's even more important for those with chronic illness to do so. I imagine you would agree with that in relation to a physical illness. What about anxiety, however? The answer to that is a resounding yes. My holy trinity of health care is diet, exercise and sleep.
Dealing with anxiety on a daily basis takes its toll on the body. Imagine those large amounts of stress hormones being released on an almost constant basis. At the very least, we're constantly tired. For that reason good nutrition is really important to replenish any vitamins and minerals depleted by the chronic stress. But there's another side to it. There are certain foods which I try to avoid. The biggest number one food I try to steer clear of is sugar. If I eat something sugary two things happen. A couple of hours later I either feel sick or extremely tense and jittery or both. While feeling sick has little to do with panic and anxiety, I'm less apt to want to leave home if I feel unwell and, if I do leave home, I'm more likely to have a panic attack if I'm not in tip top shake to put my brain and willpower into circumventing one.
Interestingly, I drink both tea and coffee. The former on a daily basis and the latter as a treat when I'm out. I feel the health benefits of tea outweigh the fact that it's a mild stimulant. In fact, a psychologist friend told me that research has shown that black tea aids the system to clear the stress hormones more quickly. Also, my tea drinking is a relaxing ritual; something I do when the morning rush is over and I'm at home alone (or with my husband). After my cuppa I hit the road or do chores. As for coffee, I think it, too, is relaxing because it's something I drink slowly and savour, usually with friends or after doing something fun. I do feel the caffeine rush straight to my knees but it doesn't seem to have an adverse effect on me; if it did I'd drink decaf on those rare occasions. Even the one spoonful of sugar that goes in is small enough not to bother me.
Exercise can also help clear the stress hormones. I have to admit I'm very hit and miss when it comes to exercise but I try. It also helps the immune system. As I mentioned I'm more apt to panic if I feel bad. Exercise reduces the chance of getting sick. It also improves mood and relaxes us so it's great. However, having a strenuous work-out causes the body to have the same symptoms as a panic attack and can bring one on for that reason. I prefer to stick to walking, especially on the beach. How can one possibly not relax on a beach? Walking is also great therapy for those of us who are uneasy about going out because we can gradually increase the distance from home or the car that we walk.
And finally sleep. With what our bodies go through every day it's essential that we get enough sleep to repair the damage. Furthermore, being refreshed and alert makes it easier to deal with the inevitable feelings of anxiety that pop up. The average requirement for adults is, of course, eight hours and research is showing that maybe less is even better. That's not taking us into consideration. I can't speak for other sufferers but my body operates best on nine hours. That doesn't mean I always get it but, like exercise, I try.
I don't always get it right with the holy trinity but, when I do, I feel far more able to get out and enjoy myself.
Dealing with anxiety on a daily basis takes its toll on the body. Imagine those large amounts of stress hormones being released on an almost constant basis. At the very least, we're constantly tired. For that reason good nutrition is really important to replenish any vitamins and minerals depleted by the chronic stress. But there's another side to it. There are certain foods which I try to avoid. The biggest number one food I try to steer clear of is sugar. If I eat something sugary two things happen. A couple of hours later I either feel sick or extremely tense and jittery or both. While feeling sick has little to do with panic and anxiety, I'm less apt to want to leave home if I feel unwell and, if I do leave home, I'm more likely to have a panic attack if I'm not in tip top shake to put my brain and willpower into circumventing one.
Interestingly, I drink both tea and coffee. The former on a daily basis and the latter as a treat when I'm out. I feel the health benefits of tea outweigh the fact that it's a mild stimulant. In fact, a psychologist friend told me that research has shown that black tea aids the system to clear the stress hormones more quickly. Also, my tea drinking is a relaxing ritual; something I do when the morning rush is over and I'm at home alone (or with my husband). After my cuppa I hit the road or do chores. As for coffee, I think it, too, is relaxing because it's something I drink slowly and savour, usually with friends or after doing something fun. I do feel the caffeine rush straight to my knees but it doesn't seem to have an adverse effect on me; if it did I'd drink decaf on those rare occasions. Even the one spoonful of sugar that goes in is small enough not to bother me.
Exercise can also help clear the stress hormones. I have to admit I'm very hit and miss when it comes to exercise but I try. It also helps the immune system. As I mentioned I'm more apt to panic if I feel bad. Exercise reduces the chance of getting sick. It also improves mood and relaxes us so it's great. However, having a strenuous work-out causes the body to have the same symptoms as a panic attack and can bring one on for that reason. I prefer to stick to walking, especially on the beach. How can one possibly not relax on a beach? Walking is also great therapy for those of us who are uneasy about going out because we can gradually increase the distance from home or the car that we walk.
And finally sleep. With what our bodies go through every day it's essential that we get enough sleep to repair the damage. Furthermore, being refreshed and alert makes it easier to deal with the inevitable feelings of anxiety that pop up. The average requirement for adults is, of course, eight hours and research is showing that maybe less is even better. That's not taking us into consideration. I can't speak for other sufferers but my body operates best on nine hours. That doesn't mean I always get it but, like exercise, I try.
I don't always get it right with the holy trinity but, when I do, I feel far more able to get out and enjoy myself.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
A Self Introduction!
I've suffered from Panic and Anxiety Disorder for most of my adult life. I have to admit that being diagnosed and labelled was a good thing; I'd been anxious about my anxiety prior to that. I saw my mental health deteriorating to the extent that I'd eventually end up in our local mental hospital. Apparently, that's not very likely with PAD. But that's the way our minds work; we always go to the worst case scenario as the most likely outcome. Knowing what was wrong was good, knowing it was manageable was even better.
Last year I spent several hours in the company of fellow PAD sufferer and friend. Of course, we had to meet somewhere "safe" so I was okay to go to her house. You might think that a couple of PAD sufferers sitting around for a few hours would be a pitiful thing. It wasn't, though. It was an absolute hoot. You see, when other people laugh at our idiosyncrasies it's mean and insulting. The two of us together, however, was a different story altogether. We had a ball laughing about our eccentric notions and rituals.
There is a blog for everybody out there in cyberspace and I seriously doubt this will be the first one about anxiety. I love blogging and writing and decided to write about some of the adventures - or misadventures - of someone living with PAD. I figure there are a lot of people out there with it who may enjoy reading about it in a light-hearted - but not flippant - way. I further appreciate that there may be some sufferers who are housebound and may spend quite a lot of time in cyber-space. This is a way to link them to another and make them feel less alone.
At the moment I'm quite well. I can go out and about and even travel. This doesn't mean those activities don't make me nervous; they do. I can't take public transport or go to big events like The Big Day Out or Womad. Standing in line for too long or getting caught up talking to people when I'm out and about make me very anxious, too. If I'm incubating a cold or I do something at a different time than usual or, even if it's very hot outside my anxiety levels increase when I'm away from home. Why do those things increase my anxiety? Those are the sorts of questions that will answered as the blog progresses ...
Last year I spent several hours in the company of fellow PAD sufferer and friend. Of course, we had to meet somewhere "safe" so I was okay to go to her house. You might think that a couple of PAD sufferers sitting around for a few hours would be a pitiful thing. It wasn't, though. It was an absolute hoot. You see, when other people laugh at our idiosyncrasies it's mean and insulting. The two of us together, however, was a different story altogether. We had a ball laughing about our eccentric notions and rituals.
There is a blog for everybody out there in cyberspace and I seriously doubt this will be the first one about anxiety. I love blogging and writing and decided to write about some of the adventures - or misadventures - of someone living with PAD. I figure there are a lot of people out there with it who may enjoy reading about it in a light-hearted - but not flippant - way. I further appreciate that there may be some sufferers who are housebound and may spend quite a lot of time in cyber-space. This is a way to link them to another and make them feel less alone.
At the moment I'm quite well. I can go out and about and even travel. This doesn't mean those activities don't make me nervous; they do. I can't take public transport or go to big events like The Big Day Out or Womad. Standing in line for too long or getting caught up talking to people when I'm out and about make me very anxious, too. If I'm incubating a cold or I do something at a different time than usual or, even if it's very hot outside my anxiety levels increase when I'm away from home. Why do those things increase my anxiety? Those are the sorts of questions that will answered as the blog progresses ...
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