The Light at the End of the Tunnel

You’re going through a dark patch in your life so you keep looking and holding out for “the light at the end of the tunnel”. No matter how hard you try to see it, however, all you see ahead is more darkness. You keep trying, though, expending loads of energy in the process. There has to be light; there’s always light, isn’t there?

Sometimes, however, the tunnel is far too long for the light to be even faintly visible. Sometimes you’re in a cave, not a tunnel. Either way, the solution is the same. Stop using up all your energy wishing and looking for the non-existent light of the future and all its false promises of happy outcomes and light up the long tunnel or cave you’re currently in. Carry the light with you and within you.

Many years ago, I used to think in terms of “when I’m better.” Rather than being a helpful goal, it was a carrot on a stick for which I was expending too much energy. I was chasing a false illusion and living in the future. Ultimately, the realisation struck me that I had a chronic condition which – as Dr Phil would say – could be managed but probably not cured. That thought did more for me than the thought of getting better; it liberated me. I was no longer bound to a false hope and could live my life realistically and more fully than I had since I began to experience anxiety. Each time I began to feel the crippling anxiety I’d tell myself that it was part of my illness and accept its presence rather than fight against it wishing it weren’t there. The energy I’d spent chasing an illusion had much better uses. In short, I’d had a life-changing “light bulb moment”.

I fell into exactly the same trap when my mother had cancer. She ended up in hospital following several rounds of chemotherapy because her kidneys had failed. She was in the hospital for five weeks. My sister and I both had young children at the time and were dividing our time between caring for Mum, and doing everything else we had to do. I clearly remember having the same light bulb moment in relation to my mother. I was thinking to myself, “When Mum’s better ...”, only to interrupt myself with the questions, “What if she doesn’t get better? What if this is your life for the coming months?” I understood in that moment that I had to stop trying to fit my life into my mother’s illness and try to fit her illness into my life instead. It was just as well I did so because she never did get better.

A few years ago, a cousin of mine, in his mid-forties, lost his life’s partner in sudden and tragic circumstances. In the wake of her death, he said to me that he was trying to find and coming to terms with a “new normal”. What I’d done twice suddenly had a label. I’d recalibrated to create a new normal in the face of both my and my mother’s illnesses. That’s what I’m referring to when I speak of creating light in the tunnel or cave. Sometimes life throws things at us that change our direction and, often, those things are unpleasant ones. Sometimes they’re long-term or permanent and we have to create a new normal.

Recently, several things have crept up on me. They’re circumstances that have entered my life to which I’ve been resistant. I’ve been trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel and wishing and hoping for speedy and positive outcomes. I’ve been using up a lot of nervous energy worrying about the situations and looking to the future. I realised the other night that they’re my new normal. They’re here to stay, maybe long-term, maybe permanently.

The night I had that realisation I slept better than I had in weeks. The following day I was tired and lethargic because my body was letting go after carrying around so much tension and resistance for so many months.

For the time being, darkness is my new normal and I don’t know yet if I’m in a long tunnel or a cave. I’ve stopped looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m going to try to light my way from inside instead.