Strong Emotions

I had what Oprah would call "a lightbulb moment" yesterday. It happened when I went to see my mother's former house being auctioned. I sold the house five years ago. The whole process was conducted by an agent through telephone calls and face to face meetings. I never met the couple who bought the house and never actually witnessed the sale. I simply signed papers, packed things and never saw the house again. On settlement day, I felt vaguely sad.

Last weekend my sister called me to tell me the house was on the market again for the second time since my mother's death. I went to the open inspection. I thought I'd be wobbly but was fine. The house looked wonderful. Yesterday I went to the auction. Suddenly I got very wobbly. It was as though I were selling the house. The grief that never surfaced when I really sold it threatened to bubble up from deep within. I considered leaving before it even began.

It was then that I realised. When I experience very strong emotions - particularly "negative" ones - it brings on a panic attack. I remembered my mother's death. My sister and I were sitting in a lounge area at the hospice; Mum had sent us out of the room. The nurse came and told us our mother was passing so we headed back. I got to the door of the room and froze. My sister - my mother's baby girl - had lost it by that time and I knew she probably couldn't go back into the room. It was up to me. Panic washed over me. There is probably no greater "negative" emotion than the one you experience when you're about to watch a loved one die. I did exactly what I'd done on one of the happiest days of my life - my wedding day - when panic was triggered by strong emotion. I told myself I didn't have time for it and carried on. Of course, the anxiety still occurred but I didn't let it cripple me. The up (and down) side to PAD is that much of it is thought triggered.

My sister and I both managed to walk through the door that day. We're made of stronger stuff than either of us give ourselves credit for. I held my mother's hand as she left us and, as sad as it was, it was also a beautiful moment for me; Mum brought me into the world and I held her hand as she left it. Consequently, yesterday's auction really was a no-brainer. I stayed, as anxious as the grief had made me feel. (By the way, no one bid on the house so it was a non-event.)

Three years ago I attended the funeral of a friend who died of the same cancer as my mother. My friend was younger than me, however. Again, I was unsure if I could do it. I knew her through my children; she was the mother of two of their friends. As I sat there, panic rising, I looked over at both of my babies and saw tears streaming down their cheeks. Again, I knew I had to be the strong one. I took a deep breath and stretched my arm to reach across both their shoulders for comfort. We got through but panic was only a heartbeat away for me throughout the service.

Living with PAD is a lifelong learning process. I learnt something new yesterday. The important thing is not to avoid triggers but to boldly walk towards them. The next time I know I'm going to be faced with strong emotions I'll be on the watch to see what happens.